I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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