between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
