MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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