Hey man sorry I got all grabby
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
