my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Randomize
