Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
