I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
