I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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