apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize