thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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