i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
