Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
