the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
