i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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