i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
