I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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