i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
