ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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