sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
