can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
They took my balls.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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