did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
