I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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