I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
