i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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