I threw up into my coffee this morning.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
