If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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