Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Pooping to opera.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
