she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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