Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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