Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He kissed a someone with a penis
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
