You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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