I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So vagazzling was a success
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
