my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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