You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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