I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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