This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
