Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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