??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why do cheetos always look like penises
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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