Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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