Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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