What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
