I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...