the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.