my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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