i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
