Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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