I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Never let your siblings swipe right.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
