Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
