the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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