My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
