I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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