Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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