Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
